Tuesday, October 19, 2010

5 Ways To Get Less Out Of Your Wine

Last week we ran a piece titled '5 Ways To Get More Out Of Your Wine Without Spending A Dime'.  We hope you liked it, even it is was a bit of a departure from the often snarky fare typically found here. 

To make up for that blip, this week we offer '5 Ways To Get Less Out Of Your Wine', (which could also be titled, 'How To F*** Up A Wet Dream')Unnecessary?  Far fetched?  Read on.  You may just find yourself guilty of some of these basic infractions.  Let's hope not, but I'm just sayin'...

1.  Talk More
The world needs more experts.  Use as much jargon as possible.  Really let it flow and see if you can overwhelm your drinking companions with your knowledge of terms like forest floor, brambly, and unctuous.  You are the Rock Star of the wine world.  Why the Food Network hasn't called yet is a mystery.

2. Bitch About Prices
Don't make price a factor in your purchases - buy indescriminately!  Then just happen to check your credit card statement, get yourself spun up in a blind rage, and completely lose your shit.  The price of Chateau Boutique is how much?  The nerve!  Nothing goes better with a vintage Bordeaux than good old fashioned anger.  And nothing wins you more drinking companions faster.

3.  Argue About It
That's not cigar box on the nose - it's cedar shavings, you idiot.  Don't let all your scientific wisdom go to waste.  Humility is for pussies.  You're right, they're wrong.  Draw a line and stick to it.  You've worked hard to become an objective judge of wine (even if objective really means menacing).  Nothing increases tasting pleasure more than inflicting self doubt on your dinner guests - or clenching your buttcheeks so tight you could crack 128 bit encryption.  Your choice.

4. Liquor Before Wine, Always Fine
You can't fully appreciate the tannic fabric of a wine until you've set the proper stage. So, lubricate your senses by first administering a peaty single malt or, better yet, barrel select bourbon.  Extra credit for mixing multiple types of liquor (think a Manhattan or Hairy Buffalo) or mixing countries of origin (think Tequila before Sancerre).

5. Dress Appropriately
Do not be the ass who shows up for a wine drinking session underdressed.  Oh, how gauche. Yes, we live in a casual society and all, but don't let tradition down.  Ascot?  Check.  Double-breasted blazer?  Check.  Sailor's cap?  Check.  You're all set, Thurston.  Now grab that bottle by the punt and have at it.

6 comments:

  1. Holy crap, I am wetting my pants!

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  2. Andy, I hope you are standing on a tile floor!

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  3. You forgot using subpar glassware.

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  4. Good one, Alex, but I've been known to use a reasonably clean shoe in a pinch.

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  5. How about chewing mint gum while enjoying that fine glass of red?

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  6. Tutu - That would've been #6...along with pouring your red wine over ice with a splash of 7 Up!

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